Helpful Tips On The Dysfunctional World Of Chatting

It all started when I decided to take my little ship for an explore into Cyberspace. Being the adventurous kind, I ventured deep into Cyberspace. This detour soon had me running low on fuel, so I decided to try and land on a nearby planet and ask for fuel.

I entered Grammar Bad galaxy, and headed off toward planet I Kant Spel. After a safe and well executed landing (for those allergic to bullshit, don't read that phrase. Oops, too late.), I got out to inspect my surroundings. No sooner had I set foot on terra firma, I was encircled by a group of little yellow and round people.

I jutted my hand out in a friendly salute. They reacted by emitting strange noises like "WTF" and "LOL". One of them squeaked out "BRB" and ran off. He soon came back with a translator, who told me the Chatters (the yellow and round fellows) would refuel my ship, and that meanwhile, he'd take me on a tour of Chatopolis.

I was not prepared for what I saw.

I saw row upon row of cubicles, each equipped with their individual internet-linked computers. They're a peculiar species, these Chatters. Most are socially inept, and don't know what their sun looks like.

After a while I noticed that my presence was becoming less tolerated, or maybe it was just my comments like, "May I recommend the spell check button?", "Gossip...", or "That's not even remotely funny". Finally I was asked to leave the planet, and with a sigh of gratitude, I hopped into my vehicle and sped off to The Real World.

Arriving back home, I decided to write up a few tips for others who may happen upon these Chatters. This is not a comprehensive list, but it may help you to comprehend and communicate with them.

Helpful Tips On The Dysfunctional World of Chatting:

1. Do NOT spell correctly. Whether you can or cannot spell is irrelevant, a true Chatter does not spell correctly.
   
2. Do NOT use spell check. If you are an aspiring Chatter, remember, it's a no-no. If you are a Chatter, by the time your errors are checked, the server will have crashed and died, so it's pointless, really.
3. WRITE IN CAPS. AREN'T THESE BIG, BOLD LETTERS FUN? NO, I'M NOT SHOUTING AT YOU. FINE, I SHOUT AT YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU. HA HA HA, AND THEY SAY THAT THOSE 1 KILO BAGS OF SUGAR WERE BAD FOR ME!?...WOO-HOO! I'M SOOOOO HAPPY, I'M SOOOO HAPPY...
4. Almost anything can be abbreviated into three or four letter words: lol, brb, wtv, wtf, rofl, asl, omg, etc...Use these in excess.
   
5. "Z" your wordz. Becauze it soundz cool, lolz.
   
6. Write nonsense. Your fellow chatters will like it...Isn't the Easter bunny sexy? ALL HAIL THE ROTTEN SOCK!
7. A smiley is worth a thousand abbreviated and misspelled words. Use them in excess. Note to the guys: The :P smiley after every few sentences is manly. Very manly.
8. Pick fights with random people. It doesn't matter if you know beans about the topic of discussion, just pick a fight and test your wit.
   
9. Proper grammar is of the devil.
   

And as a bonus, I give you:

A Tip On How To Appear As An Intelligent Individual Who Deserves Respect:

1. Ignore all of the above.

Feel informed.