Helpful Tips On The Dysfunctional World Of Cha Ting

It all started when I decided to take my little ship for an explore into Cyberspace. Being that I am the adventurous kind, I ventured deep into Cyberspace. With so much to see, I spent an inordinate amount of time sightseeing, until I ran low on fuel. In consulting my map, I decided to try and land on a nearby planet and ask for fuel.

I entered Grammar Bad galaxy, and headed off toward planet I Kant Spel. After a safe and well executed landing (for those allergic to bullshit, don't read that phrase. Oops, too late.), I got out to inspect my surroundings. No sooner had I set foot on terra firma, I was encircled by a group of little yellow and round people.

I jutted my hand out in a friendly salute. They reacted by emitting strange noises like "WTF" and "LOL". One of them squeaked out "BRB" and ran off. He soon came back with a translator, who told me the Chatters (the yellow and round fellows) would refuel my ship, and that meanwhile, he'd take me on a tour of Chatopolis.

Chatopolis, he explained, was the capital of the country of Cha Ting. A long time ago, a disheartened reject, pushed away by society and embittered by his social ineptness, flew to this planet and declared that he would start a kingdom where all could be equal. The translator said all this with an air of boyish enthusiasm, as if he were reminiscing his first kiss with the love of his life.

I sniggered quietly and turned my attention to the city. I saw row upon row of cubicles, each equipped with their individual internet-linked computers. Taking a closer look into one, a nauseating odor caught my nose. A bearded Chatter looked up from his desk, startled, and then proceeding to fling a bag of oily chips at me. They're a peculiar species, these Chatters. Most are socially inept, could use a shower, and don't know what their sun looks like.

After a while, I noticed that my presence was becoming less tolerated, or maybe it was just my comments like, "May I recommend the spell check button?", "Gossip...", or "That's not even remotely funny". Finally, the mayor himself came up to me and vented his displeasure at my comments. It came out something like this: "Ugh, you're, like, ugh, meanie, I'll zap you with my sword of power, yesh. I've got a bow and arrow in my pocket, you don't wanna mess with me, I'm a Jedi! I'm telling my mommy on you!" Then I was asked to leave the planet, and with a sigh of gratitude, I hopped into my vehicle and sped off to The Real World.

Arriving back home, I decided to write up a few tips for others who may happen upon these Chatters. This is not a comprehensive list, but it may help you to comprehend and communicate with them.

Helpful Tips On The Dysfunctional World of Chatting:

1. Do NOT spell correctly. Whether you can or cannot spell is irrelevant, a true Chatter does not spell correctly.
   
2. Do NOT use spell check. If you are an aspiring Chatter, remember, it's a no-no. If you are a Chatter, by the time your errors are checked, the server will have crashed and died, so it's pointless, really.
3. WRITE IN CAPS. AREN'T THESE BIG, BOLD LETTERS FUN? NO, I'M NOT SHOUTING AT YOU. FINE, I SHOUT AT YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU. HA HA HA, AND THEY SAY THAT THOSE 1 KILO BAGS OF SUGAR WERE BAD FOR ME!?...WOO-HOO! I'M SOOOOO HAPPY, I'M SOOOO HAPPY...
4. Almost anything can be abbreviated into three or four letter words: lol, brb, wtv, wtf, rofl, asl, omg, etc...Use these in excess.
   
5. "Z" your wordz. Becauze it soundz cool, lolz.
   
6. Write nonsense. Your fellow chatters will like it...Isn't the Easter bunny sexy? ALL HAIL THE ROTTEN SOCK!
7. A smiley is worth a thousand abbreviated and misspelled words. Use them in excess. Note to the guys: The :P smiley after every few sentences is manly. Very manly.
8. Be a raging dickhead troll.
   
9. Proper grammar is a horrendous scheme to control us into mindless, proper robots by the anal Grammatic Nazis.
   

And as a bonus, I give you:

A Tip On How To Appear As An Intelligent Individual Who Deserves Respect:

1. Ignore all of the above.