They say that truth hurts 12:53 AM

New Year's is coming up. I won't post my resolutions this year; I got a personal list with goals broken down into small, doable steps. If I had done that with last year's list, I might be looking at some real progress today.

I've come to realize that a reasonable amount of cynicism coats my thinking and speech. I think it's a byproduct of my over-idealistic days, back when I thought people I loved and respected were perfect and love was something that came without mistakes and heartbreak. It's something that causes internal struggle at times.

Looking back at my attitudes and mentalities over the past years, or even last year, makes my current outlook feel a little colder and cynical. Is this growing up? I know I've had to give up some naive views on life, but where's the line? It makes me feel a little wiser, better now that I let go of that view that made me stupid and susceptible to pain and failure, but am I really better off? Does it make me happier?

I think cynicism just shows our inherent need for those idealistic concepts we ridicule. Sure, reality isn't that rosy, but I don't want to give up dreaming just because it all goes away when I wake.

Merry Christmas! 6:02 PM

My best regards and well wishes to all of you! Party hard, have fun, and take time to enjoy this season. Merry Christmas!

(This post is sadly lacking one of those pictures in which I wear a really contrived smile; reason being that it's the tenth photo and the photographer still isn't happy with the shot. I will try to produce one soon, and post it here in place of this explanation which does nothing more than express my distaste of having to pose for Christmas pictures.)

Congratulations, Chris and Stephanie! 1:43 PM

I want to give a special shout out to my homeboy Chris and his lovely bride-to-be, Stephanie, for their plans to tie the proverbial knot! Congratulations, guys! All the best to you; may you live happily together and make lots of crazy little Irish kids with all the charm of Chris and the beauty of Te-te (Chris would contest that it's vice versa, heh).




(Happy Belated Birthday, Chris! Down a few margaritas for me, will ya?)

Creation To Chaos 10:53 AM

Head over here to check out the latest by Spirit Tree. (Joe, it seems you missed this release and Naked's Drugstore, another album to check out.)

I would recommend track 12, All This (Acoustic). It hooked me immediately, and hasn't let go even after six listens. I guess I'm a sucker for acoustic songs that pack an emotional punch. This song bleeds sincere desperation.

It falls away
It falls like rain
Like water through my hands

Today it's italics

Scars 1:29 AM

Shhh
Don't lose your grip
On what we believe is
Reality
A cold hard floor
Glass in hand
Nose deep
In my own stench
Up to my chin
In unshakable guilt
Too choked to scream
Released from their cage
Every foul feeling
Surged in triumph
They coursed in glee
Through a powerless being
I reached for perfection
It brought me here
I reached for a star
It fell to earth
Pinning me
So whisper
If you pass me by
You are climbing
I'm still right here
If you linger
Touch my cheek
Let my scars
Heal you
Light a candle
But don't stay
I'm no hero
You are beautiful
In a beautiful world
Never lose
That innocent wonder
Crimson roses bloom
In drinking bittersweet tears
Shed by dismal clouds

¿Quiero cafe con leche? 6:21 PM

I'm having a good time here in Costa Rica, that, and it rains too much. I've got pictures, but I can't upload them here. I'm convinced that this computer has just wiped my flash drive. Internet cafes and their ancient desktops. It's hard to explain my frustration.

Costa Rica is lovely (yes, darlings), and yet strangely enough I miss the snow and feel of good ol' Canada. Gosh, I've been in Canada for too long...

I'm considering getting a tatoo while I'm here. Nothing too big or daring, we'll see.

Mas Tequila, por favor!

My Summer in November 2:43 AM

I'll be visiting my family in Costa Rica for a few weeks; I want to say that I sincerely apologize for the lack of updates. If my blog is supposed to reflect my life, I guess you could say that my life is a little like this blog: dry.

Change isn't a one time thing. I'm praying for some direction. Hopefully this breather will give me a chance to put things back into perspective, and then I'll launch out from there. Support in the form of prayers is, as always, deeply appreciated.

Thank you and goodnight.

Helpless 1:35 AM

I see you standing there
You look so alone
Surrounded by well-meaning victims
Of the life they live for you
How long have you worn that smile?

Imprisoned little tear
Held down with spells of laughter
Silently screaming for release
But who would listen
Who would care?

Our good days are gone
We outran the sun
Take my hand
But just to say goodbye
It's all downhill from here

I'm not going to say
I should have held on a little longer
It takes a stronger man
So take my photo off the wall
I wanted better for you

It happens every night 1:29 AM

He awakens with a start. His eyes dart around cautiously; quickly he throws his hands under his blanket, his limbs becoming tangled in a mess of writhing sheets. "It's gone..." he stammers in confusion while wrestling with the bedsheets, searching for whatever-IT-is.

Clearly my sleep will be disturbed tonight.

No Longer Running 11:43 PM

All these words don't mean a thing to you, but if there's one message I could convey to you in this jumble of letters and punctuation marks, it would be this: Thank you.

I never realized how beautiful and short life is. Every second counts. I think I see that now. Running around trying to be a superhero, trying to right every wrong, trying to prevent anything from screwing up; that only kills me and solves nothing. The best I can do is just be true to myself and take the good with the bad. That's life.

Life is a beautiful thing. Absit invidia, absit damnum. I refuse to hate. I refuse to let bitterness destroy me. It took everything I loved from me once. I won't let it do that again.

When I embrace it all, the good and the bad, I grow. I change. I allow myself to learn and mature. I can see my mistakes, admit them, and benefit from them. You are not worth hating. Without you, there wouldn't be a me. We need each other to survive. Life is grey without the rich experiences you offer.

I never said thank you for that.

It's been awhile 1:52 PM

Miss me?

I guess I forgot to post an explanation. See, I gave up blogging. Yeah. I didn't want to have to post an "oh-I'm-so-sorry-thanks-for-your-love-and-support" post detailing my reason for quitting blogging. But the good news is, I'm back. For real. Hopefully.

A lot has happened in this two month period; but one change that probably stands out the most is my decision to leave Canada. I like it here, it's not an altogether bad place to be, but it just isn't for me. Unless I get a major recall from the Lord, I plan to be elsewhere by the end of the year.

I plan to have more to say within the following days. Until then, I'm so sorry, and thanks for your love and support.

Ahh...Thit. 9:30 PM

Looking at my stats page is depressing. I just realized something: I wants those hits back.

Perhaps this is a slow death 12:00 AM

But I'm hoping it isn't. I've lost the joy of blogging; it's hard for me to write anything at all now, I seem to be so occupied with other things. I've even seriously considered closing this blog down, but in the end decided against it since it could be useful in the future. The near future. Maybe.

I'm just hoping and waiting for the hint of a spark.

Closure 12:18 AM

What I've done. What I've become. What I will be. The future is very uncertain. I can remember days of triumph, days of honesty, days when I wasn't afraid to live, to be. Those days were just a nice memory. Now I'm making them a reality.

Falling is a peculiar thing. I thrill to the rush of wind under me, the almost weightless feeling that envelops me once my foothold has slipped over the edge. Nothing is going to catch me down there. But for now, I can fly.

Telling you that it's over was one of the best things I ever did. I marched forward, and never looked back. I found myself again. I view my reflection with steadfast gaze; I'm not ashamed anymore. If you walk fast enough, you can leave the clouds behind.

I'm not just talking. I'm not just dreaming. I'm doing. Let the past bury itself. Give me an open road, I'm ready to walk it. If my dream crumbles under its own weight, I won't go down with it. I'll find a new one.

Be careful when you strike me down. Count your blows, and deliver them well. I only have two cheeks. After that, I can't promise you quarter.

Truth has found me, as it always does. I no longer run from it, fearing it would tear me apart with cold, unfeeling hands. I accept its facts, and allow it to walk with me. It destroys the lies that left a bitter taste in my mouth; it lets me see right through you. I won't lie to you. You can't hide. I'll speak, and you'll hear.

I got my life back.

Fireside 12:25 AM

Oh, the heat, the heat it tingles
It burns the cold into oblivion
And my heart, my heart is warmed
By the fire's crackling spell

And this spell conjures forgetfulness
My distraught mind at peace
Can dream of better days
Nothing can hurt me

There is no one to silence me
With faces of ice and stone
My hidden heart comes bursting through
I find my voice and sing

Flames freely dance and sway
To the sound of my guitar
I'll put my heart into this song
I'll gladly play it all
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wrote this in under 10 minutes after playing guitar and singing (eheh) by a fire. I'm thinking about making a song out of it. Stay tuned.

Yes, but...I've been sick 10:39 PM

There really isn't a good excuse for not writing one's friends. But if I was feeling defensive I'd blame procrastination. And Canada.

I don't exactly know what hinders me from sitting down with my laptop and clacking away a few thoughtful words for the sake of a friendship. It's bugging the heck out of me and I figure there's only one way to go about it: Just do it. (Thanks, Nike!)

So, my beloved but neglected friends, expect to hear from me soon. I mean it this time. I'm putting it out here for public record; so that if you don't hear from me you can send me a scathing missive or, preferably, a friendly but firm reminder. My little sister Jeannie does. And she always gets results. (By writing me a friendly but firm reminder, of course.)

Aha 1:07 AM

I think I figured out why my blogging has been suffering lately. I've just stopped whining, that's all. Sure, there are things to whine about; I think a real favorite of mine is my catastrophic personal relationships, but I don't really want to tell you about that.

Instead, I want to tell you about how great it was to have a tablet and draw neat things on my laptop. I say was because someone lost the pen. But that's still whining.

(PTL?)

I miss my kiddos 11:51 PM

Friends, I am coping with the loss of two of my favorite little guys, Dominic and Kevin. These clever little munchkins have grown wings and flown off to Africa with their parents, leaving me quite childless and distraught.

I miss reading Thomas the Tank Engine storybooks to Dominic, and laughing at esoteric gags for hours on end with Kevin. These guys have a special little place in my heart, and I'm proud to have called myself their caretaker and "uncle".

(This is the place where a picture would normally appear, but I'm experiencing technical difficulties, i.e., no pictures, and would like to ask you all to please be patient.)

meh. 2:27 PM

I believe I'm experiencing writer's block on this blog. I honestly can't think of anything to write. It's killing me, because I really want to put something up here that's worthwhile.

In the meantime, ideas for other writing projects keep running through my head. There's a young girl, a child no less, sitting by the window. The more I approach her, the more faded she becomes. Then I am standing over the spot where she once sat, and it becomes clear to me: she's immaterial. Over in the corner there is a man with his face hidden in shadow. He's turning his head to look at me. How do I know this, if I cannot see his eyes? Because I can feel them.

Happy 40th! 10:45 PM

Happy Family Birthday!

Save this one for Captain Obvious 7:08 PM

I've been wrong. And not just wrong, but charging forward in my error. I guess this is an apology. I can't erase a lot of what I said, but what I can, I will.

Thank you for your time.

Bittersweet 11:32 PM

Everyone has to grow up sometime. There's isn't any way to get around it. Maybe you taught me by hypocritical example, maybe you taught me by getting on my case; here's a big freaking thank you.

To those who taught me by example and example alone, I don't have to say anything. The impression you made on me will live on. You are the real adults.

The inevitable is happening. It's been a slow process, but now it's speeding up like heck. It's not so much an outward change as it is an internal one, but anyone who really knows me can tell right away that something is different. When they ask, I have only one simple answer: I grew up. And I don't regret it one bit.

So lay on me the hardships. Trials and pain? Hell yeah! I would never have come this far if I hadn't gone through difficult experiences. I've got everything I need to make the most of my battles.

Some things might never change. The crooked grin will always be there. That fun-loving attitude and readiness to entertain will continue to be a part of me. But if you look into my eyes, I pray you will see something that wasn't there before: deep-set maturity.

A Few Thoughts on Blogging 12:32 AM

It seems we're seeing an increase in blogs shut down because people aren't willing to put forth the effort and time to maintain them. Sometimes I wonder how I've even kept at it for these past three years.

I guess when your blog is of a very personal nature you eventually get tired of being on display like that. You start feeling like you're just yakking on and on about yourself and no one cares anymore.

Well, if you have a good audience to begin with, usually a group of close friends, there's more reason and motivation to continue blogging. People are usually gregarious, which for the benefit of those who do not spend their free time perusing their dictionary, means that people are sociable and curious to know about others' lives. Why do you think celebrity tabloids are as popular as they are?

This brings me to my next point. It's sad to realize that most people are more interested in the negative aspect of people's lives, the dirty little secrets, the juicy scandals, etc. People are bound to misinterpret and twist your words and actions; which leads them to come to their own conclusions that paint you in a bad light. I've seen this problem lead some good bloggers to either discontinue their blog or open a private one.

I think one of the reasons I've been able to keep blogging for this long is because this blog is multifaceted; it not only serves as a log and diary of sorts, it is also used to showcase my writing, keep in touch with friends, address issues that come up in my social life, and receive needed feedback on any projects I undertake.

I'm not saying that most blogs don't include at least two of the above mentioned aspects. Also, I'm not saying that you can't successfully blog your life and gain a large audience in the process. But for people who don't have that online charisma, there's got to be more to their blog than just posts about their personal life. I think if I tried to just log my life and have a "Hey, what's up!" post every now and then, I'd lose interest and bore the heck out of my readers in the process.

Blogging is a very personal thing. You're putting yourself out for the world to see. It can't be forced or strained, and if you don't feel like it; that's fine, don't blog. The worst posts I've written have been during times I thought "Oh no, I forgot to post and I've got an audience that wants to see an update now!" You have got to enjoy blogging, if not, it's better to invest your time into something else.

Of course, there's always a time when we bloggers encounter a hump and just need to exercise a little determination and work. But if after that you're still dragging your feet, put your blog to sleep and try a new hobby. Maybe pick up tuba playing.

Patchwork 2:45 AM

Please do not disturb
Don't tell me how I'm wrong
Don't say it isn't worth it
I can't hear your protests

A beautiful thing
Handled clumsily
Botched art
I've done this again

You think I'm faking
You think I'm desperate
You think I've got nothing left
You think you know me
I think you're wrong

Many a night
By glow of candlelight
I've pondered these questions
Burning within
Holding to a flicker of hope
In a sea of dismal doubts

These eyes are blind
Of this you're sure
I don't need my eyes
To listen to my heart

Selfish brute
Vicious cycle
Do you care?
Is this for you?

More unshed tears
I'm humbled by this
I'm tired of useless cajoling
I'm tearing my heart open
You're turning away

Tattered like an old quilt
No amount of patchwork will save
We're coming to an end
One more smile
I want to believe
What am I to you?

Leave me for dead
I want to lie here
I can't cope with my dependence
Remember me as I was
For all the good days
Treasure our indelible memories

A clever pun 11:55 PM

Here is an original and interesting new album featuring Masaya Lee Rider, Stephen Douglas McNair, and Florence Helen McNair. And now I know their full names, so that if I were to ever meet them in person, I could address them formally.

I'm chuckling right now. Wait, now I'm pensive. Heavy.

Some Christmas...cheer? 1:40 AM

A really contrived update 3:17 PM

I'm getting fat.

2008 3:05 AM

And it's another new year.

Taking a good, hard look at my life and all that's happened last year has become a ritual of sorts. It's quite amazing to see just how far I've come; all that I've experienced and learned. This year has brought about many changes for me, and I know I'm not the same man I used to be. It's almost drastic.

I'm looking forward to the challenges this new year will bring. I'm looking forward to the changes, excitement, fulfillment, lessons, and maturity I'll gain.

I just can't wait.