Pangs

It's happened again.

You wonder what is it that causes me to feel this way, don't you? Well, it's a combination of many things. I worry a lot, too.

I worry about my family; sometimes I feel like I'm not there for them. I worry about my friends; I feel like I neglect them right when they need me. I worry about my future; maybe I won't make it. These things weigh on me, and I just want to fix everything all at once.

I get a lot of well-meaning people asking me if I have a girlfriend. I always trip over my words on this one. Sometimes I give conflicting answers. Truth is, I just haven't found anyone that I'm willing to enter into a relationship with. I know in my case that love could come from anywhere; maybe one day I'll suddenly realize that so-and-so is wonderful, and I'll go for it. Or maybe I'll meet someone new and fall head over heels for her. Also, my mentality isn't one in which I'm prioritizing entering into a relationship.

It's just bad history. I've been in some painful relationships, and I'm not eager to repeat my mistakes. Some people might think I still pine over her (and she shall remain unnamed for now), but that's not the case. I got over her already. It just hurts like hell to be alone again. I'm over building weak little shacks in the air. If I ever enter into another relationship, it better be something more concrete. Ha, ha! Oh, I never learn from my relationship mistakes. Watch me build another wobbly little shack. I'm sodding broken.

I remember last New Year's Eve. That's the first and last time I ever drink like that. Everyone thought I was just drunk. No, that's not entirely true. I was somewhat inebriated, but what really happened was that the alcohol brought my mental guard down. It let out all my caged emotions, everything that I worked so hard to analyze, organize, and lock away. The result was a mess. I ran around that golf course ecstatic, terrified, and depressed. I screamed, I whispered; I ran from demons, I followed fairies. I was cold, hungry, wet, tired, and crying like a man with nothing to live for. I sobered up and found myself unable to speak. I couldn't recognize anyone. I spat on the care and concern I received. I felt so ashamed; you were all strangers. I broke down.

I know I'm odd. I'm so, bloody, weird. I just want people to understand me. I don't want to be that weird guy. What can I say? This is me. This is what I am. Honestly, what you see is what you get. I'm not ashamed, but I want you to see the reason behind it all. I have no idea how this discourse will aid that purpose, but I felt like saying this, and heck, I'm gonna say it. (Of course, I'm going to edit this and make sure I don't say anything that will be misinterpreted. That's my rational side, speaking.)

Please don't be too worried by what you read. I know you love me and are concerned when it appears that I've hit rock bottom and feel like I've got no where to go. But it's just a moment; only a little pang. It keeps me humble. It reminds me I'm only human, and this causes me to empathize with others who are hurt and stumbled. I've had these for a long time. I'm used to it, and I've always coped alone. That's why it's hard for me to share this with you, to open up and ask for your help. I'm too self-reliant, but I'll find the balance, alright? I love you, you know? I'm going to keep fighting; because you're worth fighting for, you're worth living for.

I'm afraid that my pain has hurt you too, and this hurts even more, because I don't want to see you cry on my account. I've got nothing but smiles for you, but you can see through those. Then I'm angry, and I try to brush it off, but I only end up distancing myself. We're all alone, crying with no comfort. I know I should swallow my pride and run back to you, hold you in my arms and wipe those tears off your cheeks. Can you wait for me? Please? I know I'm not mature, I know I've got so much growing up to do. But every day I get up and try my best to learn, to mature, to be the man I need to be. I want to change. I'm going to change. One day, I'll be everything you need me to be.

In the end, I've got Jesus, I've got you, I've got my Family. This keeps me alive. This gives me purpose. It's more important than all my little personal problems, mistakes, and weak human nature. I'm not perfect. I'm glad I don't have to be.