Color blind? No, you're just a little thoughtless

I have just spent about five minutes browsing some friend's profiles on Hi5 (which, by the way, if you were thinking of getting one, DON'T DO IT. Stand strong in your convictions. And don't forget to add me.) It seems the new "in" thing is to make your background and text color the same darn color. This effectively makes it hard for well-meaning individuals such as myself to read your comments or even navigate your horrid little page.

So I've resorted to highlighting the text so I can see what sort of online gossip and display of teenage angst and melodrama is going on. This is really giving me trials, as every time I highlight the first few letters of any word my mind, which I have tried to drag out of the gutter, goes to work. I'm seeing words like "pee" instead of "peer", "gas" instead of "Pegasus", and "butt" instead of "buttocks".

Another moot point is sincerity. I've tried my best to appear like a normal teenager and post average-looking pictures of myself on Hi5, but every time I do so I get 50 comments from complete strangers about how good I look. This was administering to my pride until I discovered that all these strangers were part of a Hi5 group called "Let's Tell Everyone They're Good-Looking Group." With these wild flatters on the loose, I suggest that we up the ante and delete every comment that suggests that we're good-looking or smart. The next time your friend sends you a compliment, strike him or her off your list. That'll teach 'em.

I can't understand all these selfish people on Hi5. I got a message the other day by a very sweet girl I never met named Angel Candy, which read: "Hey there! I was just lookin' around Hi5 when I noticed your profile. You seem like a nice guy, and your definitely cute..." It was going so well until, "...so if you would like to, you can view ME at MY webcam (www.exploitprepubescentboys.com/angelcandy) where I do all sorts of fun things. Come and see ME now, what are you waiting for you horn...Handsome young man! See you there!" It was all a big ploy to get me to talk with her about the sort of thing a girl like her would be interested in: My Little Pony, nail polish, and mashups of the Carebears and Sailor Moon. I was so offended that I junked her message immediately.

I'm tired of getting 2 Gigs of glittery fairies and yapping puppy-dogs whenever I go to check on my friends pages. Tacky is not "in". Pet rocks are. Get yourself a pet rock and change your font color.