Rise Again

I never really understood what people meant when they said "It wasn't meant to be." But now that the full understanding and depth of that sentence is mine, I wish I could be ignorant again. Ignorance truly is bliss. Bliss of the sweetest, simplest kind.

Damn those hormones. They make the young and foolish charge into the jungle of promised love, coming out weak and scarred. "Don't worry, it's just a little explore. You'll be thrilled by what lies in there", they say. But they didn't tell me what to do when I contracted blind-love illness. The symptoms had me grinning like an idiot, hoping for the best while making bad decisions based on clouded judgement and wishful thinking. I should have guarded my heart better than that, instead of giving it out to pretty prospects with enchanting eyes and clumsy hands.

I was willing to be her ardent fan and idolize her; God forgive me. Now she's a part of me, as much a part of my being as the heart that beats to make reason of all this. I can't get her out of my mind, so I live with these visions, these shudders in the night, this invisible head that rests itself on my shoulder in my quiet moments of leisure. No, I'll never be rid of her. I'm just learning how to accommodate her.

She makes it hard to sleep. Sleep is frightened away by soft voices; they affect the boy in the mirror. He is growing more serious and distant every day; he's come a long way, now. His shaved head is a far cry from the garden of locks that once grew upon his head. Those eyes are so penetrating, I have to look away. They're threatening to cry, to let tears roll down his thin cheeks. But I know he possesses more control than that; he can be a stoic character. He reaches out a firm but gentle hand to touch my face. I recoil. He is a stranger. But in spite of his faults, his traits are not dimmed.

I never thanked you for everything you've helped me become. In letting go of my hand, you forced me to grasp a stronger One. You hurt me, but gave me the chance to be resolute, tender, sacrificial, caring, and compassionate. I am not ashamed of who I have become.

You helped me find the courage to say this with confidence: You can let me walk on my own. Hand me my old crutch, I'll break it across my knee. I feel liberated and new again. I found myself, so you can relax and let me take care of you now. These arms have gained strength, they'll envelop you and keep you from all harm. I may slip from time to time, but I'll always stand again for you, for Jesus, for my Family.

It makes one wonder just how beneficial it is for us to grow up. We have so much to learn, so many mistakes to stumble through, so much gripping heartache to cope with, so many tears to bleed. But at the end of the day, when we stagger to our feet and lift our faces to the wind, we'll utter no complaint. We'll stand firm and determined in the face of a volley of arrows of sorrow, for though we have been pierced through on many an occasion, we never died. This is what was truly meant to be.