An exercise in determination 12:18 AM

I'm coming up with some good New Years' resolutions (not in any particular order):

1. I will make my bed every day. Every frikin' day. Gosh, that's tough.
2. I will be faithful to my exercise schedule.
3. It's not "peppy", you don't obsess pizza, and he's not "Steve".
   
4. I will grow a goatee.
5. I will finish writing my songs "Unrequited," "Darkness Falls," and "S.O.S./The Dead."
6. I will not break into spontaneous song and dance.
   
7. I will write more. Punto. Every chance I get. Any topic. Just write, write, write. This includes "blogging" more.
8. I will fall more in love with Jesus. And every day will be sweeter than the day before.
9. I'll practice guitar more often. Slot time for it, and just do it.
10. I will not imitate Old Man Herbert's voice.
    
11. I will watch what I say.
    
12. I'll keep going forward with my discipleship. I will use any chance I get to wield the new weapons, endeavor to be yielded and humble, accept change with open arms, and hold fast to the fact that Jesus is enough.
13. I will complete my stories The Familiar Stranger and My Dear Child.
14. I will open my heart again. I will be there for her; I'll dry her every tear, make her laugh, be her best friend and closest companion. I swear.
15. I'll stop doing stand-up comedy in front of the bathroom mirror.
16. I will attempt to be serious when writing my New Year's resolutions.
17. I will not annoy people with an unexpected rendition of Edward Norton in The Score.

Pangs 3:23 AM

It's happened again.

You wonder what is it that causes me to feel this way, don't you? Well, it's a combination of many things. I worry a lot, too.

I worry about my family; sometimes I feel like I'm not there for them. I worry about my friends; I feel like I neglect them right when they need me. I worry about my future; maybe I won't make it. These things weigh on me, and I just want to fix everything all at once.

I get a lot of well-meaning people asking me if I have a girlfriend. I always trip over my words on this one. Sometimes I give conflicting answers. Truth is, I just haven't found anyone that I'm willing to enter into a relationship with. I know in my case that love could come from anywhere; maybe one day I'll suddenly realize that so-and-so is wonderful, and I'll go for it. Or maybe I'll meet someone new and fall head over heels for her. Also, my mentality isn't one in which I'm prioritizing entering into a relationship.

It's just bad history. I've been in some painful relationships, and I'm not eager to repeat my mistakes. Some people might think I still pine over her (and she shall remain unnamed for now), but that's not the case. I got over her already. It just hurts like hell to be alone again. I'm over building weak little shacks in the air. If I ever enter into another relationship, it better be something more concrete. Ha, ha! Oh, I never learn from my relationship mistakes. Watch me build another wobbly little shack. I'm sodding broken.

I remember last New Year's Eve. That's the first and last time I ever drink like that. Everyone thought I was just drunk. No, that's not entirely true. I was somewhat inebriated, but what really happened was that the alcohol brought my mental guard down. It let out all my caged emotions, everything that I worked so hard to analyze, organize, and lock away. The result was a mess. I ran around that golf course ecstatic, terrified, and depressed. I screamed, I whispered; I ran from demons, I followed fairies. I was cold, hungry, wet, tired, and crying like a man with nothing to live for. I sobered up and found myself unable to speak. I couldn't recognize anyone. I spat on the care and concern I received. I felt so ashamed; you were all strangers. I broke down.

I know I'm odd. I'm so, bloody, weird. I just want people to understand me. I don't want to be that weird guy. What can I say? This is me. This is what I am. Honestly, what you see is what you get. I'm not ashamed, but I want you to see the reason behind it all. I have no idea how this discourse will aid that purpose, but I felt like saying this, and heck, I'm gonna say it. (Of course, I'm going to edit this and make sure I don't say anything that will be misinterpreted. That's my rational side, speaking.)

Please don't be too worried by what you read. I know you love me and are concerned when it appears that I've hit rock bottom and feel like I've got no where to go. But it's just a moment; only a little pang. It keeps me humble. It reminds me I'm only human, and this causes me to empathize with others who are hurt and stumbled. I've had these for a long time. I'm used to it, and I've always coped alone. That's why it's hard for me to share this with you, to open up and ask for your help. I'm too self-reliant, but I'll find the balance, alright? I love you, you know? I'm going to keep fighting; because you're worth fighting for, you're worth living for.

I'm afraid that my pain has hurt you too, and this hurts even more, because I don't want to see you cry on my account. I've got nothing but smiles for you, but you can see through those. Then I'm angry, and I try to brush it off, but I only end up distancing myself. We're all alone, crying with no comfort. I know I should swallow my pride and run back to you, hold you in my arms and wipe those tears off your cheeks. Can you wait for me? Please? I know I'm not mature, I know I've got so much growing up to do. But every day I get up and try my best to learn, to mature, to be the man I need to be. I want to change. I'm going to change. One day, I'll be everything you need me to be.

In the end, I've got Jesus, I've got you, I've got my Family. This keeps me alive. This gives me purpose. It's more important than all my little personal problems, mistakes, and weak human nature. I'm not perfect. I'm glad I don't have to be.

Merry Christmas! 8:53 PM

Happy Birthday, Jesus!

I love you all!

One Cold Night 1:28 AM

Here is a bit of free verse that I scribbled out quickly after walking outside on a winter night.
Enjoy.


One Cold Night

One night upon my bed I lay
Pondering in part on memories
Of unforgotten sorrow
On shallow unmarked graves
I left a bouquet of flowers
Forget-me-nots
All bundled neatly

Woe! is me
To visit this ghastly place
To trace
Every curve
Of your resting place

I turned aside
To look beyond my window
Not more than two feet wide
My escape
From my underground dwelling

I saw a pearl
Which shone with brilliant blue
It saw me too
And gently stroked my face
With hands of azure

It stole my heart
I determined to dance
With that sapphire in the sky
And sing to it's offspring
Who twinkled timidly
Beneath a misty blanket

I stepped out eagerly
The ground cold to my touch
A sheet of ice
To mirror the moon's beauty

Soft hues
Swirled around me
Gnarled branches
Stabbing the sky
Only added to it's beauty

A blanket of snow
For my bed
I gave my body
To it's cold embrace

My breath came and left
In passionate shivers
To lie under your beauty
Is all I could ever hope for

I cannot feel my limbs
My back has melded into the snow
My chest does not rise
But my eyes can see

My eyes are transfixed by you
The stars twinkle brightly
They've come out of hiding
They've thrown up their veils
And are dancing

When the sun rises tomorrow
Friends will find me
A cold corpse
And mourn me
But they will never understand
The smile on my face

Christmas is the season... 3:18 PM

...to not blog regularly. I'm pretty swamped with all sorts of season specific endeavors. But things are going along pretty nicely in this neck of the woods, what with all the caroling, outreach, decorating, snowball fights, and hot chocolate. It's pretty durn Christmasy. And red and green.

So Merry Christmas one and all, and remember; "What have you done today to save a soul?"



Oh...Look...mistletoe!

Born to Win! 9:07 AM

It’s not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena‚ whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again because there is no effort without error and shortcomings; who knows the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at best knows in the end the high achievement of triumph, and who at worst, if he fails while daring greatly‚ knows his place shall never be with those timid and cold souls who know neither victory nor defeat. —Theodore Roosevelt

War is what stirs the blood of all born to win. Those born to lose build the bunkers and dig the foxholes. The winners run to the front, pausing only to secure the latest weapons, slowed only by the need to load en route to a rout. They are not checked by traps or mines, for the blasts only propel them further forward to the front. Their only fear: that the enemy will retreat at the sight of their desire and there will be no battle. Their only disappointment: quick victory. Their only need: more battles. Their only Hero: the Champion of All. Such are those born to win. —General George S. Patton

Pretty much, I love you! 7:37 PM

(Not listed in order of importance) Jeanine, Leila, Lainey, Tasha, Setty; I love you all so much! Thanks for the great weekend! You are all so beautiful; you have my heart.
Thanks for the cuddles, the smiles, the laughs, and all we share.
Me ah love, me ah love, me ah love you!

PS 3:07 PM

I'd like it better if that abbreviation stood for "post scriptum." But that is not the case.

Thank You, Jesus, for bringing me thus far and putting me through this time of purification and strengthening. It's only by Your grace that I could ever make it, and I only want to go forward, ever forward for You. Thank You for stripping away, and for continuing to strip and tear away anything that would come between us.

I love the relationship we share; it's beautiful, strengthening, wonderful, comforting, enlightening, and empowering. I know it'll only get better as I grow, change, and mature in You. Sometimes I forget and neglect what we share, but You're always around to remind me of my need for You.

You complete me, for without You, I am useless, broken, lonely, dead, empty; a body without its soul. You are my Life and all that I need to survive and thrive. You are enough.

There's no "ph" in "stuff" 8:04 PM

It's been a busy week, it has. I really haven't worked on my novel; it's just sitting there crying, feeling my neglect. I plan to give it some love tonight, even though I won't have it completed by next week's deadline. At least I got it started.

I've found my prose muse again, and I'm writing up some stuff and hoping that I won't be afraid to let the world see. I used to be more bold, but I'm tired of feeling like I'm shouting in an empty room. I've taken a walk outside, I've breathed clean air and felt the sun on my face. I'm ready to write, stronger and better than before. It feels good to break out of the conventional way of doing things.

My family came to visit this week. It was great to see them all again, they're growing up so fast, changing so much in such a short time it seems. I'm proud of them for the good changes they made, and praying for them for the challenges they face.

I'm working on a short story titled "My Dear Child." I know I'm supposed to be working on The Familiar Stranger, but the inspiration for this story just hit me and I was compelled to devote myself to it. I like this story, it's coming out in an informal style with a bit of irony, mystery, and sorrow.

Tomorrow, I'll Love You Tomorrow 2:44 AM

You knew that someday I'd come to the inevitable and frightening realization: I like being alone.

I love long walks by the beach. I love the thrill of perching myself high atop a man-made or natural elevation. I love to sit and watch the sun set until the full moon bathes the world in an ethereal glow.

I love to breathe the cool night air and listen to the music of the eventide. I love waking with the sun to treasure every sliver of light it sends my way. I love to stroll aimlessly around town, through parks, in and out of buildings; past groups of giggling girls, old people, couples, children, everyone, no one noticing me.

I enjoy all these things, and I enjoy them alone.

I never give it a second thought. Company is a luxury. I go about my day in the manner that I always have, and I can say that I feel complete when the day is over. But at night, lying alone in bed, nature turns on me, and all my confidence is banished. I think of you, and I realize how I unwittingly brush you aside, and in the process, hurt you.

Please look inside. Deep down, beneath all that I am outwardly. Reach out and bring it to the forefront, make me see the truth. Could I really live this life alone?

Thank you for standing beside me. Even when I ignored you, even when I forgot you, you never gave up on me. Persist another day, because I can't keep turning my head away. One day you'll triumph, and we'll both win. On that day, I will love you.

I'm going to be a novelist! 3:38 PM

To all of you who ever encouraged me to write a book, I hope you will be pleased with these news.

I will be writing a novel for this months' National Novel Writing Month. The novel is based on an idea that's been in my head for way too long now. You may have heard me reference an allegory of mine titled The Familiar Stranger. Well, I have the plot outline, main characters, and some research done, but I've never actually written a first draft. I guess my tendency to procrastinate and the pedantic handling of my creative endeavors has hindered me so far. No longer! Tonight, I write!

I'm not quite sure if I'll be able to finish my novel before the given deadline, as I began writing about a week and a half late. What I am writing is a very rough first draft, so I don't imagine I'll be releasing it to the general public. I'm pretty psyched about writing this novel, even though it's based on a dark time in my life, and some parts are somewhat painful to put on paper. The general genre I'm aiming for is Gothic/Mystery.

And now it's time to start writing away.

Adieu 8:41 AM

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." - Robert Frost

Muffins! 12:10 AM

You'll eat a muffin. You'll EAT IT AND LIKE IT!

The Development of Writing 3:03 AM

I suppose some of you are wondering about the lack of updates. You know that I have my own laptop, a decent amount of free time, a working knowledge of writing, and the creativity and desire to write. Why then, are updates terse and at irregular intervals?

In reality, the amount of articles and pieces of prose I've written has not declined, they just haven't been released. Why? Why? WHY? Oh, geez, calm down. See, I'm going through a stage in which I am my biggest critic; I write something up and then tear it to shreds. Figuratively, of course. I am not a violent person by nature. I am, however, subject to arbitrary outbursts in which I yell "No, Mummy, no NAP!!" But I digress.

For the longest time I was content to throw out my material in extemporaneous fashion, however; in light of my commitment to take my writing more seriously, I tend to review my compositions with a scrutiny that is at times overdone. You might wonder, "Why not just recount the days events or rant on a trite subject in an informal style that many bloggers enjoy?" I say...Hey, there's an idea.

Well, I've been there, done that. I used to write in a style that could have merited titling my blog Reflections of a Prepubescent Boy.
"Jane."
"See Jane."
"See Jane run."
"Jane has nice legs."
Thankfully, I came to the conclusion that that wasn't really for me; I like to create interesting and engaging reading, not just scribble on the sidewalk. Although there is a time and place for sidewalk scribbling, is has got to have some value to it, Amen, people?

Wow, that sounds pretty self-righteous and condescending. I apologize. It does have a ring of truth to it, though, so take it cum grano salis, with a grain of salt, fellows.

I have by no means arrived at a point in my writing where I am so skilled that I can just sit on a pedestal and shout AHA! whenever someone makes a mistake. Mistakes is how we learn, and my writing is still full of them. But I'm fixin' to git goin' with my writin' so I's can makes somethin' worthwhile. And that ladies and gentlemen, is something everyone can enjoy. (The determination to create successful compositions, not a phony southern accent, amigos.)

My Morning Coffee (Or Yerba Mate, Mind You) 9:38 AM

By God, I love a man with courage! I love a man with guts enough to say, "Maybe I am the last man standing. Maybe I am the last man at my post. But I am going to shoot the Enemy till I am out of bullets, then I am going to stab him till my bayonet breaks off in his heart, and then I'm going to bite him till I haven't got any teeth left." That's the kind of guts you need to win this war. May God help you to have the courage of heart to fight to the last man!—General George S. Patton (speaking from beyond) (ML 3558:83; GN 1146)

What The Future Holds 5:29 PM

It may be of interest to you to know a little about the internal workings of this website and what plans are laid out for it's future. This is not a comprehensive list, just a few projects of interest.

Firstly, I plan to upgrade this website to it's own domain and private hosting. I don't know what I'll do about the design; suffice it to say that I'm no webdesigner and it'll be pretty simple or I'll just borrow a pre-designed template.

As for my writing, I'm working on two allegorical short stories, and one narrative poem. I can't say when these will be released, as I'm researching and studying different aspects of short story composition and poetry in order to make these worth your while.

In explaining my artistic endeavors, I am reminded of a peculiar habit of a small child in my home. She waddles around collecting all sorts of objects, primarily toy dishes, and attempts to hold them all without dropping a single one. If an object is to fall from her chubby little fingers, she will drop all her other objects to the ground in frustration and then struggle to retrieve them. You see, I'm all too prone to treat my projects the same way she treats her toys.

As a side project I'm also working on writing songs for my band (we really don't have a name, but I'm calling us Five Virgins) which consists of me on guitar, some bass, and vocals (I shudder at the thought, since I can't stay on KIiiiIIIEEEee!!) and Jean "Jack" Holl on drums. So far I've got three unfinished songs, "S.O.S.", "Darkness Falls", and "Unrequited", plus other riffs and melodies I need to develop.

Friends, keep your fingers crossed. Something good has got to come out of all this.

19 3:38 PM

As the title so succinctly states, this post has something to do with the number 19. Can you guess what it is?

It involves colorful handmade cards created by a group of adorable children. It includes lots of hugs, appreciative words and gestures, and a general warm feeling of knowing that you're loved and noticed on this most favored of days.

It also involves cake and ice cream.

I could never thank You, and you, and you, and all my other "yous" enough. You all make life worth living. There's 19 years and counting, and by God's grace, I'll live them all for You (and you).

Sh...not-so-nice ditty 7:57 PM

I've been humming this all day. You can say you saw it here first.

"Hey Na Na" said the little rat,
As he threw a little fit.
"Hey Na Na" said the bigger cat,
As he ate the little sh...muck!

It's terrible, I know. I need to stay away from that "creative" side of my mind.

A subtle prelude 8:39 AM

There's just something about Wednesdays.
They always make me feel a little older.

XD, baby! 8:24 PM

The XD Core was a life-changing, motivating, spanking good fun, insightful, and challenging experience. I got back about a week ago, and meant to write about it sooner; but in between childcare and long naps there isn't much time.

The premises where the Core was held were picturesque, with a pool in the backyard providing a chance to refresh oneself. Power-packed classes, exciting parties, warm weather, beautiful women, invigorating get-outs, a trip to San Juan and the beach at Culebra (with white sand and clear turquoise water), made it the best three weeks of my life. All in all, it was a little slice of heaven. Minus the blood-thirsty skeeters, of course.

There's so much I could say about the great, fun, dedicated, beautiful people who I met, but time restricts me. I'm not really one to post little appreciation notes on my blog, but there are a few noteworthy people I want to shout out to:

• Andrew: Thanks for the support and for appreciating my humor. One day I'll be a great stand-up comedian, and I'll make you proud.
  
• Angelina: It's so easy to talk to you, I felt like I could tell you anything. You have that way of making people feel at ease. Every time we'd chat, I felt like I was talking to an old and trusted friend. Thanks for giving me your time and attention, it made me feel important and I could never thank you enough.
  
• Aurora: It was great to see you again. I still catch myself looking over my shoulder, wishing you were there sneaking up on me with the intent of pinching my hips.
  
• Bitty: You have the voice of an angel. When I heard you sing in the kitchen one night, I was mesmerized and couldn't tear myself away. Thanks for being so sweet and encouraging.
  
• Brian: I admire and respect you for your level of dedication. Keep it up.
• Connie: Thanks for reaching out to me. You're so full of life, it just spills out and inspires others.
  
• CB: You're full of hilarious antics. That thing you do with your knees cracks me up. I admire how you treat others with such respect and care.
  
• Crystal: Thanks for being so sweet and loving. I could really feel the Lord's love shining through you. It's made me want to be more of a vessel of His love, too.
  
• Devon: I catch myself imitating your accent sometimes, and you know what they say, that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Thanks for accepting me as your buddy right away, and for the camaraderie you show.
  
• Jason: Thanks for your shepherding. I want you to know that I have a deep respect for you, and am extremely thankful for your support and counsel during the times when I was hit hard with trials and doubts.
  
• Jeff: Thanks for brightening up the day with your witty comments and lighthearted manner. You were perfect in the "I Wanna Love You Tender" remake, I couldn't have thought of a better person to play the singer's part.
  
• Jer: Thanks for the support and for counseling me in matters pertaining to technology. You're a darn smart guy, I hope to be as knowledgeable and professional as you someday.
  
• Joey: You're a great guy and such an exemplary disciple. The way you handle people is admirable. You're a good soccer player, fun to hang around, and can finger a guitar with ease.
  
• Johnny: I like your candid and cheerful manner. It was really you who figured out the twirl step for the "I Wanna Love You Tender" dance, and saved us the embarrassment of looking like idiots or going out of sync because of the seeming complexity of said dance move. You also handle a bongo pretty well.
  
• Kevin: You're just an overall great guy to have around. You've got a great sense of humor, and it was an honor to be at the receiving end of some of your pranks. Really, it was.
  
• Maggie: I love how you say things in such a candid and blunt manner. It was a joy to spend time with you, and I had a wonderful time walking the streets of San Juan with you. The date we had will be preserved in my mind for a long time to come; I don't think I'll be able to pick up a frappuccino with chuckling in remembrance.
  
• Michelle: Michelle, ma belle, sont les mots qui vont tres bien ensemble, tres bien ensemble. It was great to have gotten to know you at the Core. You're sweet and charming, and I was pleasantly surprised to find that we shared a common interest in words. Thanks for everything.
• Nicole: Thank you so much for taking the time to get to know me and talk with me. I admire your maturity and depth of character. The way you reached out to others and encouraged them touched me, and I want you to know that I saw that and respect and admire you greatly for it.
  
• Promise: That name has now become, in my mind, synonymous with "tender" and "understanding." You saved me from a few potential goals during soccer, and I admire your upbeat and cheerful spirit.
  
• Ryan: Another all-around great guy. Your's and Brian's costume for the last night was pretty authentic, you guys pulled that one off like real pros. I like the way you just burst out with a round of high fives, it's contagious. You're one hardcore disciple man, keep being extreme.
  
• Timmy: You were an encouragement to me, and I admire your sweet spirit and love for the Lord. You also kept up with Tracy very well, good on ya.
• Tory: "I just love her so very much, and she's like my most favoritist person in the whole wide world!" Ha, Tory, you rock! Thanks for the good laughs. It's so neat that we're so much alike, although you're just way funnier. You're such a smart girl, I mean, gosh, ya know? I hope I get to see you again in the future, we'll chat over peppermint tea. Yes?
  

A big thank you to Ryan and Becca and home for letting us use their place to host the XD Core. Thank you for the sacrifices you made, I pray the Lord will bless you wonderfully in return. Ryan and Brian, thanks for undertaking the huge task of preparing meals for a host of hungry attendees. You guys rock!

Thank you all for making my experience at the Core a memorable one; for encouraging me, taking a moment to chat with me, making me laugh, and most of all making me feel like I really belong and am a part of this Family. I'm not sure if I'll be posting pictures, since I don't want people complaining about how I posted that one that looks like a mug shot, but you know who you are and I love you!

XD for life! Amen?

To You, With Love 1:13 PM

This is a little dance the men did for the women at the XD Core. In order to truly appreciate it, if you haven't see the original, I suggest you do that first. You won't see much of me in this clip, as fate intervened and stuck me in the back. I'm glad for this, as I'm strangely attired and dancing offbeat.

Enjoy.

Awakening 1:24 PM

Eyes tightly shut
Firm
Strong
Facade.
Arms outstretched
Stiff
Purposeful
Quivering.
Cruel
Is the ground
That supports you
Shooting star
Contrasts the black
Life through glassy eyes
Truth unfolds
Daybreak.
Your demise
Inevitable
You perspective
Erroneous
Your foundation
Crumbling
These cries
Muffled.
Hands trembling
Reaching for light
Fingers grasping
On both sides
Torn apart
By two worlds
Make your choice
Between Life
And Death
Propagate
The message
Give it all
No turning back
Strive
Bleed
For Truth
It's worth
Every drop

Mourning Star 1:16 AM

I sought to find escape, respite, a way to get away if only for a moment from the troubles of life and face God. I turned my head upward, and beheld a stairway to Heaven. I climbed in awe, never looking down, never turning back. With trembling steps I clung to a wall, drinking in the sights before me.

The mountains winked warmly as the cool wind kissed my face and caressed my arms. Palm trees swayed in the wind, as the midnight symphony began. Frogs sang in a low croaking, as crickets chirped their soothing melody. The breeze whistled in my ear, whispering words that flowed through my heart and rushed through my mind.

I crawled over to the concrete edge; suddenly, I was gripped by a fantastic terror, as the depths below swallowed my soul. The music rose in crescendo, sweat dripped down my nerveless fingers as my eyes widened in the sheer thrill of the moment. I saw myself falling, falling, falling; racing toward my demise. My hands flew in front of my face as I screamed in vain, as if to scare away the roaring ground.

Then two strong arms gently lifted me, and my eyes were transfixed to the stars; burning brightly, the Mourning Star. It affixed it's eyes on me, and those eyes pierced my being with a focus so intense and haunting. Nature was at It's behest, in silent obeisance the world waited with muffled breath.

My back touched on the hard, cold floor, as my eyes remained on the Being of Light, so seemingly far away, and yet so intimate. I could feel It reading my mind, as nature's music softened and the moon broke forth.

Now I bathe in moonlight, letting the soft rays lightly press my skin. No word is uttered, all that needs to be said has been said. Mourning Star, ever faithful guardian, look upon me tonight, for I fear to sleep without you. And when day breaks, I will know your true nature, for you are the Sun, you are hope, you are life. On this corner of cracked stone I await you, and you will come; for this is where I belong.

Hasta Luego! 1:48 PM

I'll be heading off to the XD Core soon. Monday, actually. I won't be posting for about three weeks, so this is to ask you to pray for me that all goes smoothly. I'm enabling comment moderation so that this place doesn't become a haven for trolls in my absence.

I mean to write about the MC/OC Camp and CanRock. I'm still waiting for those pictures to come through. Oh, for a camera of my own.

I love you all.

New Old Stuff 3:34 PM

Look under the Prose, Humor, and Satire labels.

Can we rock it? Yes, we can! 3:45 PM

Maybe you've heard rumors about there being a Wordstock-style teen camp happening here in Toronto. Well, I'm here to confirm them.

CanRock explodes (in a very Godly, organized way) between August 23-26. Special guests include Plan of Attack, Salt of Earth, and Haven. This event is made possible by the Woodbridge Home (and others, known and unknown), who have donated their time, resources, manpower, prayers, and property to make this all possible.

You can make this event a success, too. Just get down on your knees and shoot one up for us, yes?

Pretender 12:38 AM

How long! he'll cry
Must I endure this lack
And entertain vain imaginations.
Viewing from afar
In bittersweet vicariousness.

Holding tight
Stubborn grasp
Life itself
In an iron clasp.
While true joys
Slip past.

Forget yourself
Forget your past
Die today
And live at last.
Never! for preservations' sake
Our pride must remain intact.

We joy in continuity
And revel in gain
Don't bother
Just ignore the pain
Our image and dignity
Are worth more than your tears.
Our brave exteriors
Cannot comprehend your fears.

Oh, eroded soul
There is no hope in your plan.
Your castle is broken
Your sentries stand dead.
Stiff and wide-eyed
Their wan faces speak
We guarded a Pretender
Who died
Naked in his sleep

A Better Ending 3:53 AM

The crunch of autumn leaves broken underfoot is mourned by the soft whistling of a gentle and cool breeze. A figure clad in a drab black suit wanders a small path that winds through a modest park. In his left hand he clutches a pitiful bouquet of what appears to be handpicked flowers, the soiled stems a testimony to a hasty gathering. In his eyes is numb pain, his eyelids twitching to conceal the witness his tears would bear against his pride.

A plain brown bench, warmed by the setting sun, promises comfort as two meticulously polished shoes stop in front of it. A hand reaches out to caress the firm, rough surface of the bench as the suns rays tickle trembling fingers. The man seats himself heavily on the bench and looks out on the tall trees, reaching to the sky as if in silent desperation. His fingers run up his neck and rub the stubble on his chin and cheeks.

He has no purpose other than to stare at the sun set, reminiscing on the little turns and twists in the road of his life. His heart skips a beat and then his head drops down; all the trivialities that keep one alive return to punish him for ignoring them. He lifts his head as his face contorts into a plaintive cry of desperation.

Then, the merciful wind blew her his way. He blinked in shock, then watched enthralled as her silky hair danced in the sweet scented breeze. Her lips curved upwards in a demure smile, while her dainty steps seemed to approach in slow motion. He shook his head and turned away, finding the beauty in front of him frightful, when in truth he vainly attempted to suppress his desire to feel.

A delicate hand brushed his shoulder as he screamed inwardly, fearing to face this being that seemed to exude forgiveness and another emotion he could remember from better days--love. Time stopped as he heard his heartbeat and rotated his head to view the being out of the corner of his eye. Her smile was gone, replaced by a furrowed brow that exuded concern and penetrated his protective mask.

He knew it was her.

His teeth chattered; he squinted at her as his eyelids spilled their bowl of tears onto his pale cheeks. Her response was to place her hands on the back of his head as his sobs shook her too. Her chin jutted upwards as her clear blue eyes became blurry with unshed tears. One diamond drop fell, and it sparkled like dew upon the rose petal of her soft pink cheek.

The world was silent. Not a creature breathed. Once he stopped his trembling, his eyes were drawn to hers, and in a wordless understanding, they both knew. A brave smile lighted his face and she sighed; an entrancing sound, music to his ears. She saw what she came to see.

She turned to leave, he leapt up and spoke her name. She turned quietly to see him mouth the words, to hear him whisper the phrase that she loved to hear. With one more smile for him to treasure, she faced away from him and vanished.

Suddenly, he was standing in front of a polished marble structure, reading her name. He bent down to deposit his bouquet, brushing the soil off the stems of the blue and purple flowers. He had not forgotten her favorite colors. Nor had he forgotten her sudden and undeserving demise. His head turned quickly away, his heart filling with regret and self-condemnation. If only he had, if only she had... Anger is a blinding thing.


He turned upward toward the sky, to let the orange sun wash it all away. All that mattered now was their reconciliation. He turned back to the gray stone, leaned over and kissed it. He felt light; he was just starting to live again. He trudged back to the path he was on earlier, and fixed his eye on the horizon. Winter was coming. It's a long way back home.

Color blind? No, you're just a little thoughtless 1:19 AM

I have just spent about five minutes browsing some friend's profiles on Hi5 (which, by the way, if you were thinking of getting one, DON'T DO IT. Stand strong in your convictions. And don't forget to add me.) It seems the new "in" thing is to make your background and text color the same darn color. This effectively makes it hard for well-meaning individuals such as myself to read your comments or even navigate your horrid little page.

So I've resorted to highlighting the text so I can see what sort of online gossip and display of teenage angst and melodrama is going on. This is really giving me trials, as every time I highlight the first few letters of any word my mind, which I have tried to drag out of the gutter, goes to work. I'm seeing words like "pee" instead of "peer", "gas" instead of "Pegasus", and "butt" instead of "buttocks".

Another moot point is sincerity. I've tried my best to appear like a normal teenager and post average-looking pictures of myself on Hi5, but every time I do so I get 50 comments from complete strangers about how good I look. This was administering to my pride until I discovered that all these strangers were part of a Hi5 group called "Let's Tell Everyone They're Good-Looking Group." With these wild flatters on the loose, I suggest that we up the ante and delete every comment that suggests that we're good-looking or smart. The next time your friend sends you a compliment, strike him or her off your list. That'll teach 'em.

I can't understand all these selfish people on Hi5. I got a message the other day by a very sweet girl I never met named Angel Candy, which read: "Hey there! I was just lookin' around Hi5 when I noticed your profile. You seem like a nice guy, and your definitely cute..." It was going so well until, "...so if you would like to, you can view ME at MY webcam (www.exploitprepubescentboys.com/angelcandy) where I do all sorts of fun things. Come and see ME now, what are you waiting for you horn...Handsome young man! See you there!" It was all a big ploy to get me to talk with her about the sort of thing a girl like her would be interested in: My Little Pony, nail polish, and mashups of the Carebears and Sailor Moon. I was so offended that I junked her message immediately.

I'm tired of getting 2 Gigs of glittery fairies and yapping puppy-dogs whenever I go to check on my friends pages. Tacky is not "in". Pet rocks are. Get yourself a pet rock and change your font color.

Victoire a la XD 10:45 PM

I have run the race, I have finished the XD course.

Of course, when I say the word "race", I'm using it in a purely figurative sense. I state this for those of you who wear the ear-to-ear grins that glow with the shine of one who has completed said course before me, even if you came in 10 milliseconds before me. Big deal, I once took a test on the book of Acts and won a calculator. Tremble before my feat.

The Pre XD was a real blessing and an inspiring course for me. I learned a lot and came to enjoy it immensely, even if it meant some personal sacrifice of free time, sleep, and admire-your-reflection-in-the-mirror-while-humming-the-Peter-and-Heidi-and-Grandpa-and-goats-song time.

I am grateful to any and all who made the XD online course a reality, I could hug and dance the can-can with you.

...

Well, maybe just hug you.

Suppressive 6:15 PM

I was going to tell you. I was going to reveal it to you; I wanted to show you what it's like to be me, to feel what I feel, to see things through my eyes.

Forgive me, but you won't have that chance. Not now.

My hands hover over the keyboard, each finger twitching eagerly. My mind races; pictures, words, feelings, all pouring out. And then I plug the flow. Some of what goes on inside shouldn't be brought out into the open.

I want you to know that I'm OK, but you'll never believe me if I shared this with you. When I walk away waving my hand over my shoulder, I don't want you crying for me. I love you, and that's all you need to know for now.

Maybe when I get the right perspective I'll tell you about it. Words are real and dangerous things. I can't have you stepping on the mines I unwittingly planted around me.

The screen is closing now. The laptop whirs into stand-by. Can you hear that? It's the suppressive sound of silence.

An ironic quote 11:14 PM

One of my friends had this as her Yahoo Messenger status message:

"I'm very, very busy watching Pride and Prejudice. If you're not a girl, you would not understand."

The C's 12:41 PM

I'm headed off to the annual MC/OC camp held here in Toronto. I'm going as a team captain; please keep me in your prayers, that I'll be a big blessing and help make this time a special time for the little guys.

Eman out.

Michael's Melodies 2:06 AM

Michael Piano's compositions have me enthralled. His instrumentals are so beautiful, so deep, so full of color and emotion. I suggest you stop reading this and go listen to some of his material.

It's inspired.

As I Lay Me Down To Die 1:23 AM

It doesn't
Make sense
In between headaches
And dizzy spells.
It couldn't
Shouldn't
Be so hard.
What is going on?

You I see
Perturbed
Concerned
Reach out to me.
The look on Your face
Sweet sympathy.

My head drops
My eyes twitch
The world spins and lurches.
The ground embraces me
In black cacophony.

Hold me
I'm falling.
Can You catch me in midair?
With eyelids heavy as stone
Lifeless limbs that flail
Like a torn flag in the wind.
Reach for me
Softly brush my cheek.

Dispel a nightmare
My dream come true
Tonight
I sleep with You.

Charles 11:11 AM

Not Dickens, but Grey. This Charles Grey is my new laptop, affectionately so named.

Say hello, Charles.

I like naming my possessions, it helps organize my life. But what this post really means is this: Charles and I are going XD. Hardcore. Don't expect to see me around for a bit.

I was thinking that I should take some of the best of my writings from the capital C, maybe edit and polish 'em up a little, and post them here for the sake of my old site's fans and for those not familiar with my earlier works.

What say ye? I think ye agree.

Trip to Beau Comeau 2:42 PM

I'm dropping in a few pictures of me while I was up north for my cousin's wedding. I don't really like posting pictures, but...yeah, here it is.

Trip To Beau Comeau

I had a pretty good time, not counting the sunburn and insect bites. I swear, there are flies there that bite off your skin. I must have made quite a sight, flailing my arms around and muttering obscenities like "Poopoofacedmaggotlayinglowlifebloodsuckingbuggers!!" Try saying that all as one word. Spell check is gonna collapse on this one. Ah, nature really brings out the creativity in me.

The waterfalls, rushing streams, and quiet moonlit nights were worth the six plus hours spent cramped in a humid van with my youngest sibling practicing his operatic solo. My finding a waterfall that emptied into the ocean and sitting on a nearby rock's edge, only four feet away from a bad accident, was a real thrill.

I didn't get much sleep though; I slept on the floor three nights in a row. The last night we slept in a giant tepee with a pine branch floor. I don't know what the natives' secret is, but it can be an oven in those tents. I could almost see them rubbing their hands with glee, waiting for the white Canadians to roast so they could feast. Well, actually, it would have been fine if only I had a pillow.

Now being sans coussin, that's really roughing it.

Las Locas 6:04 PM

My two crazy sisters have entered the world of blogging, following my bad example.

I like to think they're on the right track.

I link to them not only because they are family, but because Claire shows signs of writing talent and Angelique's sense of humor cannot be missed.

We're in for a smogasbord of delightful nonsense.

A Resolution 3:54 PM

This is a personal resolution that I scrawled in my notepad the other day:

"In my Masterpiece of Life, a wall of obstacles shall be my canvas; blood, sweat, and tears my paints, and God's divine guidance my brush."

You and I 4:01 AM

Let's run away together. We'll build a little cabin in the middle of nowhere; we'll dance to the glow of a campfire at night, and I'll hold you close while the stars wink at us. Nothing will harm or touch us; we'll be dead to the world.

I'll cook you breakfast, and you'll laugh at my feeble attempts to pamper you. We'll sit in our favorite spot near the edge of a magnificent mountaintop while we hold our breath until sunrise. Gamboling in the fields and bathing in the quiet streams is where you'll find us. See us under the weeping willows, consuming our passionate and undying love. I'll plant a soft kiss to your delectable lips under the sky's tears.

I'll call you my dearest; you'll tell me that I'm your only one. My red rose, delicate as a velvet petal, sweet as honeyed wine, soft as silk. Enchantress, dance for me. Pierce my soul with your desirous gaze. I only ask to love you, to serve your slightest whim. I'll catch your tears in a vial of understanding, your burdens I'll bear on my shoulders. I am privileged above all to call you my sweetheart, none know you as I do.

You make me sing to the high Heavens. I go crazy with love, I dance and throw my head back and twirl, drop, and raise outstretched hands in thanksgiving. Your love is a symphony so complex and stirring, it lifts and moves me, it transports me into a world so perfect, a world at peace. Each melody is sweeter than the last, with harmonies strong and compelling.

The day I collapsed and you fell, I've regretted ever since. Your plaintive face spoke of betrayal, your quivering lip tugged at my heart-strings. I couldn't face you, so I walked away, taking with me every beautiful thing we shared. I moved into a grey world created by my pride and condemnation, letting my visage pale and my heart blacken.

But you so faithful and true, held high a torch for me, though your arms ached and your legs gave way under you; you clung to the hope that I would look your way someday. You knew, you knew that my eyes could not resist your light. I saw your torch and I ran to you. I stumbled, limped, crawled and dragged myself to you. You held me close while my bloody body stained your gown and painted your lips a deeper shade of red.

I reached deep inside and retrieved my heart, washed clean by your tears. "Don't break this," I whispered. "Never again," you echoed.

We'll live in our cabin again, where in it's main room, in a little wooden box, sit our hearts side-by-side; inseparable, bonded for all eternity, companions for life, beating as one.

Random Rant #2: Wordstock 4 Rant 3:26 AM

Sometimes I don't know what the heck I'm talking about. A sudden inspiration will strike me, and I'll run to Blogger and clack in a few words about nothing. It's all very impulsive. I wish I had time to edit and rewrite, maybe pull my head out of my ass long enough to get these posts out of first draft hell.

The reason I was even able to set up this site and start posting was because my dad lent me his laptop while he and my sisters traveled down to Wordstock. Speaking of which, I better not get any more questions as to why I didn't attend Wordstock IV; I'm 18 (YA, XD prospective attendee), not as competent in staff positions as others, my Home didn't have the funds, and Jesus said maybe next time. Go figure.

It's not that I'm murmuring or having big trials that I didn't go, but please, having to answer this question to every concerned adult or inquisitive teen is starting to irk me. Contrary to popular belief, life does not revolve around Wordstock. I had a pretty decent time staying home, as shocking as that may seem to some of you. Please understand this, and quit asking me why I didn't go to Wordstock and pitying me because of it. You had a kickass time at Wordstock? Great. I'm really happy for you, look, I'm smiling; yes that is a smile and don't let me hear you say otherwise. Or I'll kill this defenseless watermelon.

I have so much to say. Too much, too strongly, too loudly, too impassioned; with little tact, sense, or reason. It's hard to bite your tongue for so long. Common sense and courtesy keeps these thoughts, words, and actions imprisoned. The Word filters and junks them. Thank God.

Random Rant #1: Perfume as a weapon 1:57 AM

I really don't like the way my luck is going. In fact, I don't even believe in luck. Luck is an overrated fallacy that irks me. I can't believe there are people out there who base their life on this superstitious bull.

Anyway, today I got sprayed in the eye with perfume. That's right, perfume. Not the righteous and manly scent of cologne, but perfume. I was bringing Kevin to the bathroom to wash his hands and face after snack, when Sasha came up to me with an innocent smile and her hands behind her back. "Close your eyes!", she giggled. I, of course, not being able to resist a child's charm and sense of fun, closed my eyes and waited trustingly. Suddenly, I had a premonition to open my eyes, and that's when I saw the bottle of perfume and heard a little "Chht!" from it's cap.

"Argh!" came the angry and unbidden cry as I felt my eyes sting and cloud. I was able to forgive her for her bad taste in practical jokes, but did she really think that she was doing me a favor? I've got better ways to clean my glasses.

Another thing I can't understand is when people insist on saying "Me and (insert name here)" instead of "(insert name here) and I", the latter being the proper way to refer to oneself and others. When people use improper grammar, pisses me off, it does. An anal grammar and spelling freak, I may be, yes, but more savvy am I.

Did anyone watch the STEM concert clips on Wordstockrocks.com? Did anyone notice that Steve doesn't sound the same (funky) live as he does in his albums? Bah, blame the mixing or Canada. Either one. I'm going to bed.

Rise Again 12:30 AM

I never really understood what people meant when they said "It wasn't meant to be." But now that the full understanding and depth of that sentence is mine, I wish I could be ignorant again. Ignorance truly is bliss. Bliss of the sweetest, simplest kind.

Damn those hormones. They make the young and foolish charge into the jungle of promised love, coming out weak and scarred. "Don't worry, it's just a little explore. You'll be thrilled by what lies in there", they say. But they didn't tell me what to do when I contracted blind-love illness. The symptoms had me grinning like an idiot, hoping for the best while making bad decisions based on clouded judgement and wishful thinking. I should have guarded my heart better than that, instead of giving it out to pretty prospects with enchanting eyes and clumsy hands.

I was willing to be her ardent fan and idolize her; God forgive me. Now she's a part of me, as much a part of my being as the heart that beats to make reason of all this. I can't get her out of my mind, so I live with these visions, these shudders in the night, this invisible head that rests itself on my shoulder in my quiet moments of leisure. No, I'll never be rid of her. I'm just learning how to accommodate her.

She makes it hard to sleep. Sleep is frightened away by soft voices; they affect the boy in the mirror. He is growing more serious and distant every day; he's come a long way, now. His shaved head is a far cry from the garden of locks that once grew upon his head. Those eyes are so penetrating, I have to look away. They're threatening to cry, to let tears roll down his thin cheeks. But I know he possesses more control than that; he can be a stoic character. He reaches out a firm but gentle hand to touch my face. I recoil. He is a stranger. But in spite of his faults, his traits are not dimmed.

I never thanked you for everything you've helped me become. In letting go of my hand, you forced me to grasp a stronger One. You hurt me, but gave me the chance to be resolute, tender, sacrificial, caring, and compassionate. I am not ashamed of who I have become.

You helped me find the courage to say this with confidence: You can let me walk on my own. Hand me my old crutch, I'll break it across my knee. I feel liberated and new again. I found myself, so you can relax and let me take care of you now. These arms have gained strength, they'll envelop you and keep you from all harm. I may slip from time to time, but I'll always stand again for you, for Jesus, for my Family.

It makes one wonder just how beneficial it is for us to grow up. We have so much to learn, so many mistakes to stumble through, so much gripping heartache to cope with, so many tears to bleed. But at the end of the day, when we stagger to our feet and lift our faces to the wind, we'll utter no complaint. We'll stand firm and determined in the face of a volley of arrows of sorrow, for though we have been pierced through on many an occasion, we never died. This is what was truly meant to be.

Truly Cherished 4:17 AM

You see, Bobby, why they call it a "white night". The darkness evaporates while you sit there, reading, watching, waiting for that faint sliver of gold to appear on the horizon. But you never know just when it hits; you look away and by the time you've looked back, it's dawn.

So often have I lingered on a plush couch or a velvety armchair, it's softness caressing me, urging me to give way to sweet slumber. But you can't give in; if Sleep's sly fingers lay hold on you, you will not see the day.

Why am I telling you this? Because I have lost all reason to lie contented while a masterpiece eludes my grasp. I want to snatch it, lay hold on it and keep it forever. Some people collect action figures, others collect antiques or trading cards. I collect sunrises.

There are really no words to describe a sunrise. It's warm and golden, it melts your worries and fears away, and for one moment, just a moment, you are the only soul in this world. You forget who you are and what you've done. All things are cast aside in order to partake of that moment, a dream world unfolding before your very eyes.

Let them say that I have gone mad. Indeed, their sanity is only a matter of twisted perspective. If they could but glimpse my world, they would be satisfied to leave me in it, knowing that it is where I belong.

So shine, sun, shine on my face and make me smile. Kiss the tears away; refresh my very being and renew my inner strength. Nothing makes more sense than to bask in thy glory.

The Dirt Road to Acceptance 2:25 AM

I hope you have the time of your life. Just don't tell me that I don't know what I'm missing, because that's just it.

I don't.

Stock and Squirrels 12:52 AM

It seems that Life has handed me a sour lemon, but the long and short of it is, I won't be going to Wordstock this year. I'm naturally a little disappointed; the only time I attended a Wordstock I was too busy getting intimately acquainted with the bottom of a toilet bowl to enjoy it to the full. There's also the trip down with the teens in my area, a bonus I'm sorry to miss, but thank you Lord anyway.

In my efforts to remain positive, I came up with some good reasons for staying home:

1. Texan water. That vile liquid has its source in the bowels of hell. There's that movie, Erin Brokovich, where Julia Roberts is gingerly pulling dead frogs out of contaminated water (and you know she's thinking "Like, OMG, so like, GROSS!!) and I am absolutely certain that it was Texan water. You can die drinking that poison. Enough frogs and cute little pond animals have died swimming in that filth. Boycott Texan water.
2. I'm hopefully going to XD anyway.
3. I'm too sexy for Wordstock.
4. AIR CON!!
5. Anyway
   

The following is the letter I received from the WOC regarding the denial of my application:

"Dear Eman,

Thank you for your application. However, after much deliberation we've come to the conclusion that you are a squirrel, and since squirrels are basically useless when it comes to any of the positions that staff could hold, we have decided to let you stay home and chew your nuts."

Sincerely yours, the WOK

No, wait, that's the letter I got from the WOK, an Asian chef camp I planned to attend. The real WOC letter, even if it carried tidings of woe, was honest, heartfelt, and sweet. I was sorry to hear that a few hormonally challenged individuals felt it was their duty to set the record straight with the WOC and let them know that it was them who truly deserved to attend Wordstock 4. The WOC has put a lot of praying, planning, long hours, blood, sweat, and tears to make this event a reality, and selecting the staff was a difficult thing to do.

I'm sorry if, for whatever reason, any of you won't be able to attend Wordstock 4. But take some time to stop and bring your burdens and trials before the Lord, and get His perspective on your situation. And for those of you who wrote in with your harsh comments, please chill; take some time to finish a project, get that extra Word time you wanted, sip some lemonade, or maybe even chew some nuts.

New and Improved 3:49 PM

Head over to http://thevintagevolume.blogspot.com to witness the birth of my new blog.

And so it begins 3:40 PM

From the ashes of the capital C, rises this, my new website.

And I welcome you.

Please, have a look around. I will attempt to post something more substantial soon, time permitting. In the meantime, post a comment, tell your friends, or stay awhile. God bless you, and until then.

(The posts preceding this one are old ones that I salvaged from the capital C.)

The truth shall set you free (So you can go and do better things with your time) 6:51 PM

Eck.












Yes, um, hi. This is just a short post to say that I will not be getting my new site out as soon as I said I was, because I'm very busy. I lack time for things which are not on my priorities list, and I also lack a computer of my own. I'm also getting into poetry, short stories, and allegories, presently I'm working on two allegories titled "The Familiar Stranger" and "Castle in the Air" (titles subject to change).
Now that I've stated my excuses, I'm leaving. I'll see you around. Sometime. And soon. Hopefully.

The Switch 2:26 PM

Hello. It's been a while, hasn't it?

I meant to post sooner, but our internet was down. I have begun to work on the new site, and I should be posting the link to it in...ah, sometime. I'm trying to get it out as fast as I can, so it won't be much to look at. Now, before you think of strangling me for my tardiness, remember, patience is a virtue.

No, Seriously 7:13 PM

I died and went to heaven.

It's pretty nice here, everyone is very accommodating and the weather is pleasant. Plus, they have these little booths were these guys mix you a mean drink.

You know, the ones with the little umbrella on top.

What I mean to say is that I went on hiatus. A brand new site with a more dedicated me and better writings (I'm crossing my fingers on this point) will be coming soon. By soon,I mean...soon.

Updates? 1:25 PM

Trust in my capriciousness.