Biting the Bullet

"Just one of life's little misfortunes. But who could have seen it coming? I should have, after all, I'm walking in circles."

This thought ran through my head as I felt myself being flung toward the toilet seat. Emptying the contents of my stomach had become a morbid and dreaded ritual these past days. As I sat there a little dazed, a salty taste came to my mouth. My sweat and tears had come together to mix with the stomach acid in my mouth. Another liquid dripped it's way to my lips, and I could almost see the scarlet drop forming in the corner of my right nostril.

Closing my eyes, I saw myself kneeling over a small tombstone. The air was chilly, and the grey and lonely cemetery offered little comfort. My fingers brushed the inscription as I said goodbye to a hope, a dream, a foolish fantasy. I nurtured this hope, I watched it grow. I awoke with it every morning and tucked it in with me every night. I cradled it as it drew it's last breath. As I turned to leave, a mournful chorus rung in my ears, as the angels sang a cold and broken Hallelujah.

I came back to reality just as my stomach tightened and my face contorted. As I stared at the lime green acid swimming in the bowl below me, scenes came to mind, scenes I didn't care to remember.

Ignorance is bliss. You couldn't have seen me, not even if you had looked my way. You couldn't have heard me, no, not even if I had screamed bloody murder. Lost in your passion, you failed to see the boy who looked your way, and wondered why. A polite smile masked his feelings, and each day seemed worse than the last. And yet the offenders continued on, blissful in their ignorance.

"Life is a strange thing, it pulls so many new twists and turns that one moment you're standing on firm ground with a perfect sense of direction, and the next you're falling to your knees in a disoriented state of mind."

And now here I am. Cold, dirty, sick, and broken; sitting in a grimy toilet stall with tears streaming down my face. I am pathetic.

And yet somehow, I'm still standing. Yet somehow, with this pain comes equal amounts of grace. Forgiveness has replaced any bitterness I would have kept within; I've placed another's happiness above my own. I know I won't be trudging in circles forever.
I've turned to Him, and now, I've found peace.