11-6-2004 to 11-7-2004 Get Together...

Alarm clock goes off. It's 7:00 a.m. I hadn't slept very much the night before, so I slept some more. Finally anticipation of the day's events spurred me into wakefulness. We had breakfast and we were off. I spent the ride remembering the good potato soup of yesterday...Arriving at the meeting site two hours later, and after seeing all my friends again, we got into the class. After that was done, we had dinner (was it rotten?). Going back to Marco and Steven's crib, we had got into a lot of useless chit-chat (there was nothing better to do...). Then came talent night. I loved Aurora and Nats' rendition of the song...what's it called ("My Dream")? Anyway, I couldn't contribute to talent night 'cause I didn't feel like it at the time, and my head hurt a little. The night went on...Eric got "depressed" as usual, the girls and some of us were following him around...The rest of the night was...special. Finally bedtime came. I woke up next morning to find that a little white dog was sniffing me, and the guys were near the door laughing. I finally got off my stiff arse, dressed, then headed off to a nearby playground. I was running and didn't notice I was headed to a sign with a little fire hydrant symbol on it. I turned around just in time to throw my hands between my face and the sign, and I escaped with just a scratch, which Philip said "made me look like a street fighter". I came back to the house for some breakfast, and again engaged in light conversation. We all read something together, then decided we would head for a large park to play football. I was tired and a little melancholy at the time, but figured that the fresh air and whatever sunshine I could get would do me good. I found out later we were headed to a park we used to frequent three years ago, so I was eager to see the place again. It looks mostly the same. It brought back so many memories. Life was simpler then. I still remember sliding down the hill in winter with my family and friends, building snowmen and getting into snowball wars. Spring was fresh and alive, we had a few picnics there. Summer was warm and beautiful, and we would walk around the park and collect plants, or simply admire nature in it's pure form. Now it's full of mud. I got my shoes drenched with the stuff. No more bright sunshine, just dark clouds threatening to pour more rain. No laughter and friends, only lonely silence remains. I'm sorry I pushed my friends away when I needed them the most. I guess I'm just too proud to admit I need their help, and I don't want to be a waste of their time...Coming back, they were getting ready for a football game, and urged me to join in. I couldn't. My mind was too full of discouraging thoughts. I even literally felt the blood draining from me. I had no strength left. The ride back to the house was quiet. I never uttered a word. Anyone who knows me knows that that is strange...I'm always talking...I wish I had fought to remain happy, to look on the bright side of things. Why do most get-togethers tend to end with, "If only I had..."The rest of the night happened in the same fashion as the previous, except that we got an excellent meal. A manager of St. Hubert donated some meals to us. After the meal, I went around looking for something to do. After a little discussion with one of my friends, that was the last straw. I know now where I won't go if I want comfort, someone to really understand me, someone to talk to. To feel a sincere hug, or even genuine words of appreciation...It seems I'm just too loud-mouthed and scare most everyone away. I wish to God that I could trust and love my friends. I know I can. But I'm gonna have to work towards that. I need to strive to be what He wants me to be. Lord forgive me for losing it with my friends. I couldn't take it anymore. Kill my bitterness and self-righteousness. Help me to love and accept them as they are. Amen.