Perhaps this is a slow death 12:00 AM

But I'm hoping it isn't. I've lost the joy of blogging; it's hard for me to write anything at all now, I seem to be so occupied with other things. I've even seriously considered closing this blog down, but in the end decided against it since it could be useful in the future. The near future. Maybe.

I'm just hoping and waiting for the hint of a spark.

Closure 12:18 AM

What I've done. What I've become. What I will be. The future is very uncertain. I can remember days of triumph, days of honesty, days when I wasn't afraid to live, to be. Those days were just a nice memory. Now I'm making them a reality.

Falling is a peculiar thing. I thrill to the rush of wind under me, the almost weightless feeling that envelops me once my foothold has slipped over the edge. Nothing is going to catch me down there. But for now, I can fly.

Telling you that it's over was one of the best things I ever did. I marched forward, and never looked back. I found myself again. I view my reflection with steadfast gaze; I'm not ashamed anymore. If you walk fast enough, you can leave the clouds behind.

I'm not just talking. I'm not just dreaming. I'm doing. Let the past bury itself. Give me an open road, I'm ready to walk it. If my dream crumbles under its own weight, I won't go down with it. I'll find a new one.

Be careful when you strike me down. Count your blows, and deliver them well. I only have two cheeks. After that, I can't promise you quarter.

Truth has found me, as it always does. I no longer run from it, fearing it would tear me apart with cold, unfeeling hands. I accept its facts, and allow it to walk with me. It destroys the lies that left a bitter taste in my mouth; it lets me see right through you. I won't lie to you. You can't hide. I'll speak, and you'll hear.

I got my life back.

Fireside 12:25 AM

Oh, the heat, the heat it tingles
It burns the cold into oblivion
And my heart, my heart is warmed
By the fire's crackling spell

And this spell conjures forgetfulness
My distraught mind at peace
Can dream of better days
Nothing can hurt me

There is no one to silence me
With faces of ice and stone
My hidden heart comes bursting through
I find my voice and sing

Flames freely dance and sway
To the sound of my guitar
I'll put my heart into this song
I'll gladly play it all
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wrote this in under 10 minutes after playing guitar and singing (eheh) by a fire. I'm thinking about making a song out of it. Stay tuned.

Yes, but...I've been sick 10:39 PM

There really isn't a good excuse for not writing one's friends. But if I was feeling defensive I'd blame procrastination. And Canada.

I don't exactly know what hinders me from sitting down with my laptop and clacking away a few thoughtful words for the sake of a friendship. It's bugging the heck out of me and I figure there's only one way to go about it: Just do it. (Thanks, Nike!)

So, my beloved but neglected friends, expect to hear from me soon. I mean it this time. I'm putting it out here for public record; so that if you don't hear from me you can send me a scathing missive or, preferably, a friendly but firm reminder. My little sister Jeannie does. And she always gets results. (By writing me a friendly but firm reminder, of course.)

Aha 1:07 AM

I think I figured out why my blogging has been suffering lately. I've just stopped whining, that's all. Sure, there are things to whine about; I think a real favorite of mine is my catastrophic personal relationships, but I don't really want to tell you about that.

Instead, I want to tell you about how great it was to have a tablet and draw neat things on my laptop. I say was because someone lost the pen. But that's still whining.

(PTL?)

I miss my kiddos 11:51 PM

Friends, I am coping with the loss of two of my favorite little guys, Dominic and Kevin. These clever little munchkins have grown wings and flown off to Africa with their parents, leaving me quite childless and distraught.

I miss reading Thomas the Tank Engine storybooks to Dominic, and laughing at esoteric gags for hours on end with Kevin. These guys have a special little place in my heart, and I'm proud to have called myself their caretaker and "uncle".

(This is the place where a picture would normally appear, but I'm experiencing technical difficulties, i.e., no pictures, and would like to ask you all to please be patient.)

meh. 2:27 PM

I believe I'm experiencing writer's block on this blog. I honestly can't think of anything to write. It's killing me, because I really want to put something up here that's worthwhile.

In the meantime, ideas for other writing projects keep running through my head. There's a young girl, a child no less, sitting by the window. The more I approach her, the more faded she becomes. Then I am standing over the spot where she once sat, and it becomes clear to me: she's immaterial. Over in the corner there is a man with his face hidden in shadow. He's turning his head to look at me. How do I know this, if I cannot see his eyes? Because I can feel them.