An exercise in determination 12:18 AM

I'm coming up with some good New Years' resolutions (not in any particular order):

1. I will make my bed every day. Every frikin' day. Gosh, that's tough.
2. I will be faithful to my exercise schedule.
3. It's not "peppy", you don't obsess pizza, and he's not "Steve".
   
4. I will grow a goatee.
5. I will finish writing my songs "Unrequited," "Darkness Falls," and "S.O.S./The Dead."
6. I will not break into spontaneous song and dance.
   
7. I will write more. Punto. Every chance I get. Any topic. Just write, write, write. This includes "blogging" more.
8. I will fall more in love with Jesus. And every day will be sweeter than the day before.
9. I'll practice guitar more often. Slot time for it, and just do it.
10. I will not imitate Old Man Herbert's voice.
    
11. I will watch what I say.
    
12. I'll keep going forward with my discipleship. I will use any chance I get to wield the new weapons, endeavor to be yielded and humble, accept change with open arms, and hold fast to the fact that Jesus is enough.
13. I will complete my stories The Familiar Stranger and My Dear Child.
14. I will open my heart again. I will be there for her; I'll dry her every tear, make her laugh, be her best friend and closest companion. I swear.
15. I'll stop doing stand-up comedy in front of the bathroom mirror.
16. I will attempt to be serious when writing my New Year's resolutions.
17. I will not annoy people with an unexpected rendition of Edward Norton in The Score.

Pangs 3:23 AM

It's happened again.

You wonder what is it that causes me to feel this way, don't you? Well, it's a combination of many things. I worry a lot, too.

I worry about my family; sometimes I feel like I'm not there for them. I worry about my friends; I feel like I neglect them right when they need me. I worry about my future; maybe I won't make it. These things weigh on me, and I just want to fix everything all at once.

I get a lot of well-meaning people asking me if I have a girlfriend. I always trip over my words on this one. Sometimes I give conflicting answers. Truth is, I just haven't found anyone that I'm willing to enter into a relationship with. I know in my case that love could come from anywhere; maybe one day I'll suddenly realize that so-and-so is wonderful, and I'll go for it. Or maybe I'll meet someone new and fall head over heels for her. Also, my mentality isn't one in which I'm prioritizing entering into a relationship.

It's just bad history. I've been in some painful relationships, and I'm not eager to repeat my mistakes. Some people might think I still pine over her (and she shall remain unnamed for now), but that's not the case. I got over her already. It just hurts like hell to be alone again. I'm over building weak little shacks in the air. If I ever enter into another relationship, it better be something more concrete. Ha, ha! Oh, I never learn from my relationship mistakes. Watch me build another wobbly little shack. I'm sodding broken.

I remember last New Year's Eve. That's the first and last time I ever drink like that. Everyone thought I was just drunk. No, that's not entirely true. I was somewhat inebriated, but what really happened was that the alcohol brought my mental guard down. It let out all my caged emotions, everything that I worked so hard to analyze, organize, and lock away. The result was a mess. I ran around that golf course ecstatic, terrified, and depressed. I screamed, I whispered; I ran from demons, I followed fairies. I was cold, hungry, wet, tired, and crying like a man with nothing to live for. I sobered up and found myself unable to speak. I couldn't recognize anyone. I spat on the care and concern I received. I felt so ashamed; you were all strangers. I broke down.

I know I'm odd. I'm so, bloody, weird. I just want people to understand me. I don't want to be that weird guy. What can I say? This is me. This is what I am. Honestly, what you see is what you get. I'm not ashamed, but I want you to see the reason behind it all. I have no idea how this discourse will aid that purpose, but I felt like saying this, and heck, I'm gonna say it. (Of course, I'm going to edit this and make sure I don't say anything that will be misinterpreted. That's my rational side, speaking.)

Please don't be too worried by what you read. I know you love me and are concerned when it appears that I've hit rock bottom and feel like I've got no where to go. But it's just a moment; only a little pang. It keeps me humble. It reminds me I'm only human, and this causes me to empathize with others who are hurt and stumbled. I've had these for a long time. I'm used to it, and I've always coped alone. That's why it's hard for me to share this with you, to open up and ask for your help. I'm too self-reliant, but I'll find the balance, alright? I love you, you know? I'm going to keep fighting; because you're worth fighting for, you're worth living for.

I'm afraid that my pain has hurt you too, and this hurts even more, because I don't want to see you cry on my account. I've got nothing but smiles for you, but you can see through those. Then I'm angry, and I try to brush it off, but I only end up distancing myself. We're all alone, crying with no comfort. I know I should swallow my pride and run back to you, hold you in my arms and wipe those tears off your cheeks. Can you wait for me? Please? I know I'm not mature, I know I've got so much growing up to do. But every day I get up and try my best to learn, to mature, to be the man I need to be. I want to change. I'm going to change. One day, I'll be everything you need me to be.

In the end, I've got Jesus, I've got you, I've got my Family. This keeps me alive. This gives me purpose. It's more important than all my little personal problems, mistakes, and weak human nature. I'm not perfect. I'm glad I don't have to be.

Merry Christmas! 8:53 PM

Happy Birthday, Jesus!

I love you all!

One Cold Night 1:28 AM

Here is a bit of free verse that I scribbled out quickly after walking outside on a winter night.
Enjoy.


One Cold Night

One night upon my bed I lay
Pondering in part on memories
Of unforgotten sorrow
On shallow unmarked graves
I left a bouquet of flowers
Forget-me-nots
All bundled neatly

Woe! is me
To visit this ghastly place
To trace
Every curve
Of your resting place

I turned aside
To look beyond my window
Not more than two feet wide
My escape
From my underground dwelling

I saw a pearl
Which shone with brilliant blue
It saw me too
And gently stroked my face
With hands of azure

It stole my heart
I determined to dance
With that sapphire in the sky
And sing to it's offspring
Who twinkled timidly
Beneath a misty blanket

I stepped out eagerly
The ground cold to my touch
A sheet of ice
To mirror the moon's beauty

Soft hues
Swirled around me
Gnarled branches
Stabbing the sky
Only added to it's beauty

A blanket of snow
For my bed
I gave my body
To it's cold embrace

My breath came and left
In passionate shivers
To lie under your beauty
Is all I could ever hope for

I cannot feel my limbs
My back has melded into the snow
My chest does not rise
But my eyes can see

My eyes are transfixed by you
The stars twinkle brightly
They've come out of hiding
They've thrown up their veils
And are dancing

When the sun rises tomorrow
Friends will find me
A cold corpse
And mourn me
But they will never understand
The smile on my face

Christmas is the season... 3:18 PM

...to not blog regularly. I'm pretty swamped with all sorts of season specific endeavors. But things are going along pretty nicely in this neck of the woods, what with all the caroling, outreach, decorating, snowball fights, and hot chocolate. It's pretty durn Christmasy. And red and green.

So Merry Christmas one and all, and remember; "What have you done today to save a soul?"



Oh...Look...mistletoe!

Born to Win! 9:07 AM

It’s not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena‚ whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again because there is no effort without error and shortcomings; who knows the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at best knows in the end the high achievement of triumph, and who at worst, if he fails while daring greatly‚ knows his place shall never be with those timid and cold souls who know neither victory nor defeat. —Theodore Roosevelt

War is what stirs the blood of all born to win. Those born to lose build the bunkers and dig the foxholes. The winners run to the front, pausing only to secure the latest weapons, slowed only by the need to load en route to a rout. They are not checked by traps or mines, for the blasts only propel them further forward to the front. Their only fear: that the enemy will retreat at the sight of their desire and there will be no battle. Their only disappointment: quick victory. Their only need: more battles. Their only Hero: the Champion of All. Such are those born to win. —General George S. Patton

Pretty much, I love you! 7:37 PM

(Not listed in order of importance) Jeanine, Leila, Lainey, Tasha, Setty; I love you all so much! Thanks for the great weekend! You are all so beautiful; you have my heart.
Thanks for the cuddles, the smiles, the laughs, and all we share.
Me ah love, me ah love, me ah love you!